i don't want to die. i just don't want to live. i want to erase every memory of my existence from the face of the earth! nothing makes me happy.

i "came out" to my mom on friday afternoon. it's not like she learned anything she didn't already suspect. it's just out there now and i don't feel the anger associated with "hiding" shit. nothing's really changed though. it was she who suggested i get the fuck out of loco. i hate it here.

i'm not so sure that i know how to compromise. it's an extension of grace, ain't it? what's too much and what's too little? it's something we all have to define for ourselves, right? cuz we're all different peeps and that's what makes as the world turns possible? the only way it's possible ever to have everything my way is to go without having other folks in my life which is something i never ever want to do! this is big now that i've found someone with whom i think i want to compromise.

it's not possible to want two things that are complete opposites, right? how the fuck does one suck himself down into this shitty hole? my past is full of kills. this one ain't even ready to kill. not my stage, at least. why the fuck don't i just speak in tongues? i understand everything, but can't put it into words.

don't get me wrong; today was great. it was the best day i've spent in a long fucking time. it was purely me. i've had my fill. now i just have to get that other thing taken care of, and i'll be good to go.

i don't want to fucking do it alone anymore, but i can't do it any other way. that's the wanting opposites-thing i was talking about. i want to do it alone if i'm this way. it's a dangerous spot. why can't we just do what we want to do and be who we want to be? can we do that only if we're alone?

if you're so sure of who you are and you're so ready to defend it, you must do it without thinking, and you'll never know when you've changed. that's why you're such a fucking cunt!?!?!?

k. i've got to get myself out of this hole.

i forgive too easily.

nothing was doable back then; does my future wait with the same proclamation? this is one of the things i fear before it all!

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder
what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

i guess you heard he's gone to LA
he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding
and he tells me i pushed him away
that my heart's been hard to find

there must be something here
there must be something here

baker baker can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
and i wonder how mine could taste
maybe we could change his mind

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

time thought i'd made friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's okay

if you see him, say hi

"baker, baker" by who else?

i haven't done this in too long and i've fucked up the pattern. i'm not strong enough to do this now. today's a shitty day for no reason. i'm stupid. i'm ugly. i'm not good enough. i don't trust myself. days like this are too close together.

i know that i've technically missed a day, but it still seems like yesterday for me because i haven't gone to sleep yet.

sometimes i like feeling the "high" of depression. i mirror what other people are feeling. sometimes i'm not strong enough to be myself. after reading what kristin had to say about her depression, i started feeling a little depressed. i'm not sure where that comes from. and, kristin, i'm in no way saying you're bringing me down! is it liking the drama...the attention...the possibilities? i think a lot of creative work comes out of depression. i know for sure that it does for me and i've heard both sarah and jule say the same thing about what sparks their creativity. (i love you guys!!!!)

Today's thing may be kind of vague, but wtf?? Sometimes I bend too far with people I don't know that well. I've been getting to know someone pretty well over the past few months. I recently decided it wasn't worth it. Today, this person approached me and talked like nothing's wrong, and I went along with everything. I hope to change it tomorrow.

Three married men exist in my sexual past. Two were in the process of getting divorced from their wives.

i don't own my life because.... i don't know why! i'm scared to death that i'm going to be alone in the world one day soon. i'm scared to death of fucking it up and not doing what's right for me. there're so fucking many contradictions in here. i don't want to be so fucking alone but i don't know how to be a friend or a lover.

i am so fucking tired that i wonder if i'll wake up in the morning! this isn't living! i feel like a fucking zombie!

i'm going to make a promise to myself, and you're going to help me keep it. for as long as i can keep going, i'm going to reveal something about myself here on a daily basis. the things that i'm going to reveal are the things i keep closed up in my mind. they're the things i never say aloud because i don't want them to be true. i hope that by sharing these things, i'm able to tear down some walls and begin to devote my mind to situations and ideas and people that are going to help my life evolve into a good life. hold me to it (beginning tomorrow)!!! goal: someday being able to say that i honestly can't think of anything else to add.

someone told me that robert downey, jr is gay. is he?

hurt
by NIN

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

kristin, what the fuck are you talking about??

jule has a neat, new design on a neat, new page!!! i like it a lot!!!

i've wasted my weekend! i was up until 3 this morning playing the sims! earlier there was a guy in my parents' livingroom who looked like this guy who used to date keisha's ex-boyfriend. he kept looking at me funny! ...he's probably just seen me wanking in the woods or something??

danger's ahead. i' cannot let myself get sucked into the cycle. ...those thoughts are far too personal to put here right now. maybe when i'm left with nothing?

music's great! last night i was listening to some mp3's that i downloaded a long time ago. sonique's "It Feels So Good" came on and i could immediately taste tequila and smell cigarette smoke and see candles burning all around me. i was back at jule's old apartment with jule and her friends, sara and brian. we used to have so much fun there!!!

i HAVE to get off of my ass today!!!! Sign my guestbook!!!! See yas!!!

so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts? what's so amazing about really deep thoughts? boy, you best pray that i bleed real soon. how's that thought for you? -tori

Okay.... I'm at work and there's nothing to do. I'm simply waiting patiently 'til 9, and then I'm busting loose. I have to stop at Marcy's on my way home to pick up her dog, Sas. I'm going to dog sit while she's vacationing. Her maid and butler don't like Sas all that well, so we're afraid they'll hurt Sas while she's gone.

As I write this, it's not even a quarter 'til!

I'm boring!

It's great to feel this okay about the decision I've made to leave my job. I have no immediate plans to persue anything else, either. There's a job that I'm interested in and I've applied for it, but I'm seriously not going to bust my ass looking for work right now. I may just take some time off to enjoy the summer. I love summer, and I totally see myself moving in the future to somewhere where the weather stays more summer-like all year round. My writing skills suck ass these days. It's sad when my job's focus has been writing. What the hell can I do with my time off? Write! I've always wanted to be a writer. Of course, when I was younger, it was all about being famous and shit, but now I just really like the idea of bringing out the lives that exist within me. To be good at anything, one must practice, and anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm no good at self discipline. Maybe if I set a writing schedule for myself, I can kill two birds with one stone? (Guess I need to work on the cliche-thing, too!)

Has anyone who's reading my page ever tried the dominate/submissive thing? I want to see what that's all about. Umm, yeah.... Email me!

And keep signing my guestbook!

This page is ugly. Sign my guestbook!

Well, it's over now. Two weeks max! Yippee!

earlier i watched the Real World 10th anniversary special on MTV, and some of the past cast members were talking about how doing the show made them become more honest. this page is maybe moving me in that direction. that doesn't mean that i'm a liar or anything. i think it's just really easy for all of us to embellish and tell half-truths...and stuff! anyway, what i was getting at is that i always write what's on my mind when i write here. it took me awhile before i gave jule "permission" to link to my page. i just wasn't comfortable with the idea of acquaintances possibly reading such personal thoughts. but then i have to think about where that all comes from.... it comes from my growing up being afraid of showing the real me for fear of rejection. i think a lot of fags grow up feeling that way. it's amazing to take a step back and see how fucking many ways i've been affected just by being gay! it bothers me that people i know in the real world have access to the "real" me. it's not a good thing to be bothered by this!!! i want just to live my life! i want to do my own fucking thing! ...so i'm not going to censor anything.

can you say hypocritical little cocksucker??? i can. and you're one!!!!

i cannot fucking believe that the weekend's almost over. i can't take many more trips to nothing-to-do, nowhere-to-go land. i have a resume all ready to be sent in the morning. wish me luck!

good luck, kristin, with the new job. i know you'll do well! ...and i have something to clarify that you said on your page. i can see someone reading it differently than you wrote it. =) i had no idea that you and mister man were doing whatever it is that guys and girls do when you asked me about him. that's when i told you that he was getting back with her. ...i can just see some people reading my telling you that as my throwing more fuel on the fire. i looooove reading your page, btw! keep going with it!

i have a new obsession! everyone at work kept telling me about the sims and i kept hearing jule talking about it, so i went out and bought it! it's all i can think about anymore. it's all i've been doing! i would sooooo highly recommend it!

thanks for the picture, sarah! =)

i want to be creativer. =) i want to share my junk with you. =) i don't miss my northern lad anymore!

everytime i hear "over now" by alice in chains, i think about how good it's going to to be to walk away from the situation i'm about to walk away from! yeah, it's over now, but i can breathe somehow. when it's all worn out, i'd rather go without. you know it's been on my mind. could you stand right here, look me straight in the eye, and say that it's over now? we pay our debt sometime.

I know we're dying and there's no sign of a parachute. ...Why can't life be beautiful? ...Why must there be a sacrifice?

Tori wrote that.

i can't fucking sleep! here's why:

• have you ever found that some of life's lessons seem to be perfectly timed? almost like life's a classroom? you get lessons like one, two, three?? i read somewhere recently that it's not "okay" to expect anything from anyone other than what someone tells you to expect! don't be disappointed when someone uses you and abuses you when they didn't tell you that they wouldn't?? you let yourself get hurt.
  
• i now have cousins on both sides of my family who are grandparents. i have only one grandparent alive, and that's my mom's mom. she's now a great-great grandma. damn!
  
• my feelings are valid. i listen to your incessant talk about the people who run your life and when i talk about how i feel you tell me that i feel too much and you don't want to hear it?? that's not a friend. maybe it's time we put it on the table and be honest?? you know i'm talking about you!!
  
• tonite i talked w/ a guy i graduated high school with. he's a drag queen in nashville and he was talking about our 10-year reunion that's coming up in like 2 years. he said he was going to come and shock the shit out of everyone cuz he looks better than most of their wives! people my age are allowed to get married?? i thought that was illegal or some shit! why do i still have this illusion that i'm a child??
  
• i want to apologzie to everyone i've been a bitch to on a consistent basis. i have no right to expect anything from you other than what you tell me to expect and you've never given me that information. i was reading something while ago from someone i'd grown to have little respect for and i was kind of blown away. (that's what my earlier post was about.) i can be a total ass!
  
• kristin has a blogger page now! i'll put a link on my links page in the near future, but there is one below. it says "here."
  
• umm.... and if you've been keeping up with things, you'll remember the guy from the hott times in the forest! =) well, earlier i was talking to him...and he was talking to me. and then he just stopped. i'm not really attracted to him, though in the dark of the forest he was hot. umm.... he's not ugly or anything. he's simply fuckable. (ask jule.) but it's like i HAVE TO win! i don't get it. i wish i could just let it go and move on. can't i just do that?? where the hell do i find the courage?? i MUST HAVE someone that i can be important to!!! it's an absolute have-to-have!!! i deserve it, not because i'm queen, but because we all fucking deserve what we want!!!
  

night, guys and girls. hope that i sleep well and make it through tomorrow. (and that my three wishes are granted.) ...i'll share some of the wealth with y'all!

today started out shitty. i didn't want to get out of bed. i realized i didn't have anything to do if i didn't go to work, so i decided not to call off. i went in late though. (i can tell you now that this ain't going to make a lot of sense because my brain's not working too well) umm.... i stopped at on cue to look at cds and books and saw the cutest guy...for the second time! this man's hottt with three t's! blue eyes. tan. dresses waay nice! yum. anyway, he brightened my day! then i went to work and it sucked big time. thank god i had someone there who talked me down...someone i didn't expect it from. i need my job until this fall! what else? oh! the storms on my way home tonite. there was a double rainbow and i was driving between them. the need to make a wish found its way into my head, and i made three! (i'm a pig, i know.) ...bet you can guess all three even if you don't know me that well. after i made my wishes, i noticed that there was a car ahead that was pulled over in the median. as i drove past, i saw that it was a guy who'd gotten out of his car to admire the rainbows. maybe it'll happen???

yesterday sarah sent me an email that had nothing inside it. it was interesting. i wrote back to her to ask her what up wit' that. she told me to fuck off. i love you sarah! your one thing (that you told me not to mention here) is beautiful just as all yours is!!!! i'll write to you soon!

here.

it happens.... you think badly of someone and then they blow you away! you're doing a good job.

i'm about to throw it all away. someone talk me down!

I cannot believe we're fucking executing someone in this day and age!

I love Sarah very much!!!

Sarah has some cats.

Sarah has neat eyebrows!

Sarah wears a mean plaid shirt. It's cute!

last night i had a neat dream. i was renting a house with jule, i think. or maybe it was keisha. it's easy to get those two mixed up in my subsconscious! anyway.... we were renting this three-story victorian house in an awesome neighborhood. we each had really huge bedrooms and the rest of the house was furnished. i remember going into the attic and it was like an antique furniture store with tables and sofas and bedroom sets. everything! for some reason sarah and mj were staying with us for awhile. they were living in the upstairs bathroom! lol. they had their pets there and just about everything they owned. and it was weird. mj had these purple things that she called tampons everywhere. they were basically just a piece of jersey material. i don't really get it, but i remember waking up and being happy! wu hu! =)

i love you, sarah! i love you too, mj!

okay, and while i'm on the rant, don't fucking ask me if i'm a "top" or a "bottom." i'm a fucking human being. there're things i like but damned if i'm going to fucking discuss them w/ you! i mean...doesn't it make better sense to explore the possibilities w/ someone you meet and not put yourself in a fucking box?? and don't ever ask me how big!!! that's just fucking childish!!!

okay, okay, okay! men are really starting to disappoint the fuck out of me...literally! well, not men in general. gay men in general. WTF?? over the past week, i've talked to a few online queers and even met one. tonight someone saw my yahoo id, "...miss world..." and the fucking freak was like, "what's up with that? i don't like queens!" you're a faggot and you're talking to a bunch of faggots and you expect them all to be sylvester fucking stallone?? and don't get me wrong: i don't consider myself a faery queen AT ALL! ...i don't think many other people do either! so.... then there's the dumbass from last week! i'm all about testing limits and pushing boundaries and shit! so, i meet this guy i've talked to online like twice, and we meet just to have sex. i swear i've done that only one other time in my life!!! but anyway, the sex was perhaps the hottest sex i've ever fucking had in my life. it was outside at night under a canopy of trees...and it started raining. the mistake was that i met the fucker again and expected to recapture at least a little bit of the spirit from before! i'll give him credit. he was a little playful and we got to talk about what we each wanted...and i thought we had agreed that a sexual relationship was fine. OMG! i can't believe that i'm posting this shit! but my point is that this shit sucks. where the hell are the decent gay men who just want to have fun and can keep their dicks in their pants? i want someone who respects me for me and i want to be able to return the favor. i want to show my guy how special he is and i want him to know that he's special cuz he has me! i'm not desperately seeking a relationship or anything. i'm just hopeful!

i love you, marcy!

"Twenty years from now you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Today's theme song!

i sooooooooo take back my "everygirl" title. i tried it for a couple of days, and you know it's not for me. i'm not everygirl, because i will NEVER EVER AGAIN have sex just for the sake of having sex. it's got to be fun and playful and cerebral! ...and the night under the trees in the state park -- that wrocked! too bad he didn't!

what the fuck happened between chris and me!?

thanks for everything, baby! i don't know how i would have gotten through it without you.

where the fuck are the fags who aren't looking just to get their rocks off with anyfuckingrandomsoul!? has anyone else noticed that all the "good" fags are either fugly or frigid?? ...and don't go thinking that just because you're frigid that you're one of the "good" ones!

is it too fucking much to expect someone to think about me for at least 5 fucking minutes a day???

I've soooooooo become Everygirl! Jule, you got to help me, baby! =Þ

Happy Birthday, old man. Happy Birthday, Sara!