Monday, July 09, 2001

it's not possible to want two things that are complete opposites, right? how the fuck does one suck himself down into this shitty hole? my past is full of kills. this one ain't even ready to kill. not my stage, at least. why the fuck don't i just speak in tongues? i understand everything, but can't put it into words.

don't get me wrong; today was great. it was the best day i've spent in a long fucking time. it was purely me. i've had my fill. now i just have to get that other thing taken care of, and i'll be good to go.

i don't want to fucking do it alone anymore, but i can't do it any other way. that's the wanting opposites-thing i was talking about. i want to do it alone if i'm this way. it's a dangerous spot. why can't we just do what we want to do and be who we want to be? can we do that only if we're alone?

if you're so sure of who you are and you're so ready to defend it, you must do it without thinking, and you'll never know when you've changed. that's why you're such a fucking cunt!?!?!?

k. i've got to get myself out of this hole.

Sunday, July 08, 2001

Saturday, July 07, 2001

nothing was doable back then; does my future wait with the same proclamation? this is one of the things i fear before it all!

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder
what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

i guess you heard he's gone to LA
he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding
and he tells me i pushed him away
that my heart's been hard to find

there must be something here
there must be something here

baker baker can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
and i wonder how mine could taste
maybe we could change his mind

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

time thought i'd made friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's okay

if you see him, say hi

"baker, baker" by who else?

Monday, July 02, 2001

i haven't done this in too long and i've fucked up the pattern. i'm not strong enough to do this now. today's a shitty day for no reason. i'm stupid. i'm ugly. i'm not good enough. i don't trust myself. days like this are too close together.