...The thoughts we try to deny take a toll upon our lives.
We struggle on in depths of pride, tangled up in single minds.
-"It Could Be Sweet" by Portishead

Earlier I tried to write an email to my dear, dear friend, Sarah, and I couldn't focus. I feel like I have some funky energy stored inside my head, and it's dying to get out. But I don't want it to die. I want it to get out and make a life for itself. It's good energy, but I don't trust the world enough to let it out. And my mind keeps going back to everything I've ever seen myself doing, and nothing I've ever done. I can only imagine happiness, and I can never involve myself in that lifestyle.

Someone I respect has told me that in order to be "healthy," one must experience life equally in three ways: intellectually, spiritually, and physically. I've been trying that theory out, and I've found it to be true so far. Girl's problem is that she's used to running everything through her mind, and her mind puts her in a state where she's not motivated to do a damned thing! So I'm thinking that I'll do some queer routine like taking a daily walk or run or some shit. We'll see if I can get out of this mess I'm in.

I want to do something playful. That can be physical, right? I'm thinking that since the weather's nice and stuff, it might be a good time to go play out in the woods and talk and make out and just be with some neat man. Email me, neat man! =)

Recently I was getting to know a guy I thought was neat. But turned out he was scared of what I was attracted to. Anyway, things got to the point where it was a waste of energy because nothing could come from his fear.

Life is a farce! Refuse to surrender.

i've been sensing all day that my spiral's heading down. where's the man who likes only some of the things i like? where's the man who's supposed to be walking beside me (under the stars) tonight? nothing's making me happy right now, and that's making me want to implode or explode or FUCKING SOMETHING!!!

guess i've just got to stop giving head to all the "straight" men of columbus? could be my problem!!!

some girls have to take their own advice. girl's got to learn to do that...and be happy and stuff!

Because I'm feeling sappy as hell tonight, I've got to sing to you.

"Had a Northern Lad
Well, not exactly had
He moved like the sunset
God, who painted that?
First he loved my accent
How his knees could bend!
I thought we'd be okay...me and my molasses

If you could see me now...."
Northern Lad by TORI

Okay. That's for, well, my Northern Lad. I miss him! And I hope he's doing well. And I hope our paths cross again!

So I have to tell you all a funny story. Tell me if you think it's as funny as I think it's funny, okay? Marcy and I took a vacation day today. It's been forever since she and I have had the chance to just spend time together even though we work together. Saw nothing but rain, so we ended up staying in. As the evening wore on, we were getting pretty frigging toasty, and while we were fixing dinner, the doorbell rings. What does Marcy do? She answers the phone! That's not even the funniest part. ...She gives a pretty good cussing out to the person (who she thought was) on the other side of the phone cuz he/she hung up on her! I have totally LMAO tonight because of this. =) Funny, huh?

What else? I've been getting lots of feedback lately that I'm quite the complex girl. This makes me happy!

Once again, I miss you and I wish you were with me.

I read the most awesome horoscope yesterday. Yeah, it was for me! Just me. I was the Gemini of the day! Here 'tis:

"Ideal opportunities that could increase your income exist at a distance. You'll be able to accomplish whatever goals you set for yourself. Your new projects appear to have unlimited financial potential. Go for broke, and allow yourself to be challenged to the utmost."

The deal is that I'm thisclose to quitting my job and heading out to Hollywood. I'm going to make it big. If you kiss my ass now, I'll thank you during one of my Oscar acceptance speeches!

I would like to take this opportunity to pay homage to my ass, which has allowed me (and countless other men) so much pleasure!

He told me he loves me. (I do want more.)

"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying amen to what the world tells you to prefer, is to have your soul kept alive." Robert Louis Stevenson

Because someone told me that I had to put her poem on my page, here goes:

Warm winds blowing emotions around
Scattered feelings skipping along the ground
Wonderment and awe inspiring views
That I would only want to share with you
Naked in front of you with nothing to hide
Searching for a flicker of recognition in your eyes
Tell me who I am and what I need
I am so lost, can't you see?
Take my soul and lead me
Maybe I'll find out who I am and who I want to be.

i've had a beautiful day today. jule and i went to athens, and i so did not want to leave! we saw lots of hott, young men, and we even had a large group of shirtless, young hunks jogging toward us as we were driving down the street. it was a good thing! i think i'm sure now that school's going to be the most important thing to me for awhile. no more of this meaningless job-shit! sometimes a girl's just got to take some chances and do what feels good. let's see how long it takes me to move on. =)

hugs and kithes!

waiting

you know that question that we ask everyone: do you know yourself? my answer's hell yeah, i know myself. but i'm learning that i don't show me to very many people. i'm sick of it! maybe like two people who will read this have ever seen the real me. i think it came from being confused about my girliness when i was a little girl with a pecker. that's tough and stuff, but if a girl can't be happy with herself, then who the hell's ever going to be happy with her? i don't know.... i'm definitely not your typical fag, but i'm not your typical human being either. but that's what i want to be before i'm anything--a human being! i want to show you my talents. this brave, beautiful girl once asked me how alive am i? how much of me is living day to day? my answer is probably less than 25%! there's like something totally fucking wrong there! but it's been a way to get through the days. i'm so used to being with just me, but the hunger's so much there for me to get the fuck out. i just need to take a trip outside my head. i have so many goals and wants and desires. and i kill any possible relationships before anyone gets too close. there's the asshole me and the better than water me and the quiet me and the obnoxious me. you think that if i were to name these "me's" that someone might do a movie of the week about me? yeah, i've been smoking crack. what're you going to do about it, bitch?

i told you from the start just how this would end: when i get what i want, i never want it again!

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.