i don't want to die. i just don't want to live. i want to erase every memory of my existence from the face of the earth! nothing makes me happy.

i "came out" to my mom on friday afternoon. it's not like she learned anything she didn't already suspect. it's just out there now and i don't feel the anger associated with "hiding" shit. nothing's really changed though. it was she who suggested i get the fuck out of loco. i hate it here.

i'm not so sure that i know how to compromise. it's an extension of grace, ain't it? what's too much and what's too little? it's something we all have to define for ourselves, right? cuz we're all different peeps and that's what makes as the world turns possible? the only way it's possible ever to have everything my way is to go without having other folks in my life which is something i never ever want to do! this is big now that i've found someone with whom i think i want to compromise.

it's not possible to want two things that are complete opposites, right? how the fuck does one suck himself down into this shitty hole? my past is full of kills. this one ain't even ready to kill. not my stage, at least. why the fuck don't i just speak in tongues? i understand everything, but can't put it into words.

don't get me wrong; today was great. it was the best day i've spent in a long fucking time. it was purely me. i've had my fill. now i just have to get that other thing taken care of, and i'll be good to go.

i don't want to fucking do it alone anymore, but i can't do it any other way. that's the wanting opposites-thing i was talking about. i want to do it alone if i'm this way. it's a dangerous spot. why can't we just do what we want to do and be who we want to be? can we do that only if we're alone?

if you're so sure of who you are and you're so ready to defend it, you must do it without thinking, and you'll never know when you've changed. that's why you're such a fucking cunt!?!?!?

k. i've got to get myself out of this hole.

i forgive too easily.

nothing was doable back then; does my future wait with the same proclamation? this is one of the things i fear before it all!

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder
what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

i guess you heard he's gone to LA
he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding
and he tells me i pushed him away
that my heart's been hard to find

there must be something here
there must be something here

baker baker can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
and i wonder how mine could taste
maybe we could change his mind

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

time thought i'd made friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's okay

if you see him, say hi

"baker, baker" by who else?

i haven't done this in too long and i've fucked up the pattern. i'm not strong enough to do this now. today's a shitty day for no reason. i'm stupid. i'm ugly. i'm not good enough. i don't trust myself. days like this are too close together.

i know that i've technically missed a day, but it still seems like yesterday for me because i haven't gone to sleep yet.

sometimes i like feeling the "high" of depression. i mirror what other people are feeling. sometimes i'm not strong enough to be myself. after reading what kristin had to say about her depression, i started feeling a little depressed. i'm not sure where that comes from. and, kristin, i'm in no way saying you're bringing me down! is it liking the drama...the attention...the possibilities? i think a lot of creative work comes out of depression. i know for sure that it does for me and i've heard both sarah and jule say the same thing about what sparks their creativity. (i love you guys!!!!)

Today's thing may be kind of vague, but wtf?? Sometimes I bend too far with people I don't know that well. I've been getting to know someone pretty well over the past few months. I recently decided it wasn't worth it. Today, this person approached me and talked like nothing's wrong, and I went along with everything. I hope to change it tomorrow.

Three married men exist in my sexual past. Two were in the process of getting divorced from their wives.

i don't own my life because.... i don't know why! i'm scared to death that i'm going to be alone in the world one day soon. i'm scared to death of fucking it up and not doing what's right for me. there're so fucking many contradictions in here. i don't want to be so fucking alone but i don't know how to be a friend or a lover.

i am so fucking tired that i wonder if i'll wake up in the morning! this isn't living! i feel like a fucking zombie!

i'm going to make a promise to myself, and you're going to help me keep it. for as long as i can keep going, i'm going to reveal something about myself here on a daily basis. the things that i'm going to reveal are the things i keep closed up in my mind. they're the things i never say aloud because i don't want them to be true. i hope that by sharing these things, i'm able to tear down some walls and begin to devote my mind to situations and ideas and people that are going to help my life evolve into a good life. hold me to it (beginning tomorrow)!!! goal: someday being able to say that i honestly can't think of anything else to add.

someone told me that robert downey, jr is gay. is he?

hurt
by NIN

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

kristin, what the fuck are you talking about??

jule has a neat, new design on a neat, new page!!! i like it a lot!!!

i've wasted my weekend! i was up until 3 this morning playing the sims! earlier there was a guy in my parents' livingroom who looked like this guy who used to date keisha's ex-boyfriend. he kept looking at me funny! ...he's probably just seen me wanking in the woods or something??

danger's ahead. i' cannot let myself get sucked into the cycle. ...those thoughts are far too personal to put here right now. maybe when i'm left with nothing?

music's great! last night i was listening to some mp3's that i downloaded a long time ago. sonique's "It Feels So Good" came on and i could immediately taste tequila and smell cigarette smoke and see candles burning all around me. i was back at jule's old apartment with jule and her friends, sara and brian. we used to have so much fun there!!!

i HAVE to get off of my ass today!!!! Sign my guestbook!!!! See yas!!!

so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts? what's so amazing about really deep thoughts? boy, you best pray that i bleed real soon. how's that thought for you? -tori

Okay.... I'm at work and there's nothing to do. I'm simply waiting patiently 'til 9, and then I'm busting loose. I have to stop at Marcy's on my way home to pick up her dog, Sas. I'm going to dog sit while she's vacationing. Her maid and butler don't like Sas all that well, so we're afraid they'll hurt Sas while she's gone.

As I write this, it's not even a quarter 'til!

I'm boring!

It's great to feel this okay about the decision I've made to leave my job. I have no immediate plans to persue anything else, either. There's a job that I'm interested in and I've applied for it, but I'm seriously not going to bust my ass looking for work right now. I may just take some time off to enjoy the summer. I love summer, and I totally see myself moving in the future to somewhere where the weather stays more summer-like all year round. My writing skills suck ass these days. It's sad when my job's focus has been writing. What the hell can I do with my time off? Write! I've always wanted to be a writer. Of course, when I was younger, it was all about being famous and shit, but now I just really like the idea of bringing out the lives that exist within me. To be good at anything, one must practice, and anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm no good at self discipline. Maybe if I set a writing schedule for myself, I can kill two birds with one stone? (Guess I need to work on the cliche-thing, too!)

Has anyone who's reading my page ever tried the dominate/submissive thing? I want to see what that's all about. Umm, yeah.... Email me!

And keep signing my guestbook!

This page is ugly. Sign my guestbook!

Well, it's over now. Two weeks max! Yippee!

earlier i watched the Real World 10th anniversary special on MTV, and some of the past cast members were talking about how doing the show made them become more honest. this page is maybe moving me in that direction. that doesn't mean that i'm a liar or anything. i think it's just really easy for all of us to embellish and tell half-truths...and stuff! anyway, what i was getting at is that i always write what's on my mind when i write here. it took me awhile before i gave jule "permission" to link to my page. i just wasn't comfortable with the idea of acquaintances possibly reading such personal thoughts. but then i have to think about where that all comes from.... it comes from my growing up being afraid of showing the real me for fear of rejection. i think a lot of fags grow up feeling that way. it's amazing to take a step back and see how fucking many ways i've been affected just by being gay! it bothers me that people i know in the real world have access to the "real" me. it's not a good thing to be bothered by this!!! i want just to live my life! i want to do my own fucking thing! ...so i'm not going to censor anything.

can you say hypocritical little cocksucker??? i can. and you're one!!!!

i cannot fucking believe that the weekend's almost over. i can't take many more trips to nothing-to-do, nowhere-to-go land. i have a resume all ready to be sent in the morning. wish me luck!

good luck, kristin, with the new job. i know you'll do well! ...and i have something to clarify that you said on your page. i can see someone reading it differently than you wrote it. =) i had no idea that you and mister man were doing whatever it is that guys and girls do when you asked me about him. that's when i told you that he was getting back with her. ...i can just see some people reading my telling you that as my throwing more fuel on the fire. i looooove reading your page, btw! keep going with it!

i have a new obsession! everyone at work kept telling me about the sims and i kept hearing jule talking about it, so i went out and bought it! it's all i can think about anymore. it's all i've been doing! i would sooooo highly recommend it!

thanks for the picture, sarah! =)

i want to be creativer. =) i want to share my junk with you. =) i don't miss my northern lad anymore!

everytime i hear "over now" by alice in chains, i think about how good it's going to to be to walk away from the situation i'm about to walk away from! yeah, it's over now, but i can breathe somehow. when it's all worn out, i'd rather go without. you know it's been on my mind. could you stand right here, look me straight in the eye, and say that it's over now? we pay our debt sometime.

I know we're dying and there's no sign of a parachute. ...Why can't life be beautiful? ...Why must there be a sacrifice?

Tori wrote that.

i can't fucking sleep! here's why:

• have you ever found that some of life's lessons seem to be perfectly timed? almost like life's a classroom? you get lessons like one, two, three?? i read somewhere recently that it's not "okay" to expect anything from anyone other than what someone tells you to expect! don't be disappointed when someone uses you and abuses you when they didn't tell you that they wouldn't?? you let yourself get hurt.
  
• i now have cousins on both sides of my family who are grandparents. i have only one grandparent alive, and that's my mom's mom. she's now a great-great grandma. damn!
  
• my feelings are valid. i listen to your incessant talk about the people who run your life and when i talk about how i feel you tell me that i feel too much and you don't want to hear it?? that's not a friend. maybe it's time we put it on the table and be honest?? you know i'm talking about you!!
  
• tonite i talked w/ a guy i graduated high school with. he's a drag queen in nashville and he was talking about our 10-year reunion that's coming up in like 2 years. he said he was going to come and shock the shit out of everyone cuz he looks better than most of their wives! people my age are allowed to get married?? i thought that was illegal or some shit! why do i still have this illusion that i'm a child??
  
• i want to apologzie to everyone i've been a bitch to on a consistent basis. i have no right to expect anything from you other than what you tell me to expect and you've never given me that information. i was reading something while ago from someone i'd grown to have little respect for and i was kind of blown away. (that's what my earlier post was about.) i can be a total ass!
  
• kristin has a blogger page now! i'll put a link on my links page in the near future, but there is one below. it says "here."
  
• umm.... and if you've been keeping up with things, you'll remember the guy from the hott times in the forest! =) well, earlier i was talking to him...and he was talking to me. and then he just stopped. i'm not really attracted to him, though in the dark of the forest he was hot. umm.... he's not ugly or anything. he's simply fuckable. (ask jule.) but it's like i HAVE TO win! i don't get it. i wish i could just let it go and move on. can't i just do that?? where the hell do i find the courage?? i MUST HAVE someone that i can be important to!!! it's an absolute have-to-have!!! i deserve it, not because i'm queen, but because we all fucking deserve what we want!!!
  

night, guys and girls. hope that i sleep well and make it through tomorrow. (and that my three wishes are granted.) ...i'll share some of the wealth with y'all!

today started out shitty. i didn't want to get out of bed. i realized i didn't have anything to do if i didn't go to work, so i decided not to call off. i went in late though. (i can tell you now that this ain't going to make a lot of sense because my brain's not working too well) umm.... i stopped at on cue to look at cds and books and saw the cutest guy...for the second time! this man's hottt with three t's! blue eyes. tan. dresses waay nice! yum. anyway, he brightened my day! then i went to work and it sucked big time. thank god i had someone there who talked me down...someone i didn't expect it from. i need my job until this fall! what else? oh! the storms on my way home tonite. there was a double rainbow and i was driving between them. the need to make a wish found its way into my head, and i made three! (i'm a pig, i know.) ...bet you can guess all three even if you don't know me that well. after i made my wishes, i noticed that there was a car ahead that was pulled over in the median. as i drove past, i saw that it was a guy who'd gotten out of his car to admire the rainbows. maybe it'll happen???

yesterday sarah sent me an email that had nothing inside it. it was interesting. i wrote back to her to ask her what up wit' that. she told me to fuck off. i love you sarah! your one thing (that you told me not to mention here) is beautiful just as all yours is!!!! i'll write to you soon!

here.

it happens.... you think badly of someone and then they blow you away! you're doing a good job.

i'm about to throw it all away. someone talk me down!

I cannot believe we're fucking executing someone in this day and age!

I love Sarah very much!!!

Sarah has some cats.

Sarah has neat eyebrows!

Sarah wears a mean plaid shirt. It's cute!

last night i had a neat dream. i was renting a house with jule, i think. or maybe it was keisha. it's easy to get those two mixed up in my subsconscious! anyway.... we were renting this three-story victorian house in an awesome neighborhood. we each had really huge bedrooms and the rest of the house was furnished. i remember going into the attic and it was like an antique furniture store with tables and sofas and bedroom sets. everything! for some reason sarah and mj were staying with us for awhile. they were living in the upstairs bathroom! lol. they had their pets there and just about everything they owned. and it was weird. mj had these purple things that she called tampons everywhere. they were basically just a piece of jersey material. i don't really get it, but i remember waking up and being happy! wu hu! =)

i love you, sarah! i love you too, mj!

okay, and while i'm on the rant, don't fucking ask me if i'm a "top" or a "bottom." i'm a fucking human being. there're things i like but damned if i'm going to fucking discuss them w/ you! i mean...doesn't it make better sense to explore the possibilities w/ someone you meet and not put yourself in a fucking box?? and don't ever ask me how big!!! that's just fucking childish!!!

okay, okay, okay! men are really starting to disappoint the fuck out of me...literally! well, not men in general. gay men in general. WTF?? over the past week, i've talked to a few online queers and even met one. tonight someone saw my yahoo id, "...miss world..." and the fucking freak was like, "what's up with that? i don't like queens!" you're a faggot and you're talking to a bunch of faggots and you expect them all to be sylvester fucking stallone?? and don't get me wrong: i don't consider myself a faery queen AT ALL! ...i don't think many other people do either! so.... then there's the dumbass from last week! i'm all about testing limits and pushing boundaries and shit! so, i meet this guy i've talked to online like twice, and we meet just to have sex. i swear i've done that only one other time in my life!!! but anyway, the sex was perhaps the hottest sex i've ever fucking had in my life. it was outside at night under a canopy of trees...and it started raining. the mistake was that i met the fucker again and expected to recapture at least a little bit of the spirit from before! i'll give him credit. he was a little playful and we got to talk about what we each wanted...and i thought we had agreed that a sexual relationship was fine. OMG! i can't believe that i'm posting this shit! but my point is that this shit sucks. where the hell are the decent gay men who just want to have fun and can keep their dicks in their pants? i want someone who respects me for me and i want to be able to return the favor. i want to show my guy how special he is and i want him to know that he's special cuz he has me! i'm not desperately seeking a relationship or anything. i'm just hopeful!

i love you, marcy!

"Twenty years from now you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Today's theme song!

i sooooooooo take back my "everygirl" title. i tried it for a couple of days, and you know it's not for me. i'm not everygirl, because i will NEVER EVER AGAIN have sex just for the sake of having sex. it's got to be fun and playful and cerebral! ...and the night under the trees in the state park -- that wrocked! too bad he didn't!

what the fuck happened between chris and me!?

thanks for everything, baby! i don't know how i would have gotten through it without you.

where the fuck are the fags who aren't looking just to get their rocks off with anyfuckingrandomsoul!? has anyone else noticed that all the "good" fags are either fugly or frigid?? ...and don't go thinking that just because you're frigid that you're one of the "good" ones!

is it too fucking much to expect someone to think about me for at least 5 fucking minutes a day???

I've soooooooo become Everygirl! Jule, you got to help me, baby! =Þ

Happy Birthday, old man. Happy Birthday, Sara!

I'm playing around here because I have no life...not the life I want anyway. Jule and I were supposed to do stuff this weekend, but I kept putting it off and putting it off until she dissed me! I've got to be the most boring asshole in the world sometimes. They keep telling me that life is what you make it, and I'm trying to learn that and make it my way of life. Wish me well!

billie jean had four kittens yesterday. here are some pics!

"it goes like this -- if it ain't about havin a real good time it aint about NOTHIN -- life is too short to fake or be anal with the stuff that should be a fuckin good time" beth hart

Sign my new guestbook!

If dreams give you power, then I'm strong enough to offer my heart and never give up 'til you love me!

i'm amazed! i sent my application to osu just to see what would transfer from my past college career. i have 192 credit hours of which 172 will transfer to osu. why the fuck don't i have my ba yet? ...cuz i spent too much time changing my mind about a major and too much time on courses that i just wanted to take even though they had nothing to do with my major course of study! go me! my school required at least 180 credit hours be earned before a ba was awarded. looking over my transcript, i've found a couple of surprises. i got an a in a class that i didn't attend after like the second week! (seriously.) and i got got credit for another class that i didn't do a paper (major requirement for the course) for, but this time i only got a c. =( i fecking wrock! hope (with me) that next year at this time, i'm in grad school!

if there's a decent daddy out there who wants to adopt me for the next couple o' years, i'm game AND i'm a good boy! =) email me!

changes!!!

"happy phantom" by tori amos

and if i die today, i'l be the happy phantom
and i'll go chasin' the nuns out in the yard
and i'll run naked through the streets without my mask on
and i will never need umbrellas in the rain
i'll wake up in strawberry fields everyday
and the atrocities of school i can forgive
the happy phantom has no right to bitch
oo who the time is getting closer
oo who time to be a ghost
oo who everyday we're getting closer
the sun is getting dim
will we pay for who we been
so if i die today i'll be the happy phantom and i'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel
they'll be my ticket to the universal opera
there's judy garland taking buddha by the hand
and then these seven little men get up to dance
they say confucius does his crossword with a pen
i'lm still the angel to a girl who hates to sin
or will i see you dear and wish i could come back
you found a girl that you could truly love again
will you still call for me when she falls asleep
or do we soon forget the things we cannot see?

i'm grateful as fuck that it's friday and i don't have to go to work for two whole days! have i told you lately how much work sucks?

oh... and while i'm thinking about it: what the fuck's up with all these closed-minded faggots? i'd think that we'd be some of the most open-minded people in the world! but so many are afraid just to break away from the fag norm and do something different than all our queer uncles have done. i'd like to thank you, baby, for trying new things with me! ;-)

here's my guestbook: =) sign it!

i hate my life! here's why: 1. i hate my fucking job! yeah, i know the drill. why stay? i stay because there's no way i could find a job that's meaningful. i'd probably just keep going in the same capacity i'm dealing with now. so what's the fucking point in investing the energy in meeting a bunch of new people and learning a new company and a new culture? there is none! and why the fuck do we work 40 hours a week? that's too goddamned much of my time! (not that i have much else to do.) 2. i can find no meaning! ...and i've been searching for almost 26 years! i mean, i could solve all the world's problems and i could live happily ever after, but then what? i'll just fucking die! 3. too many people suck ass! i realize that sounds like a poor attitude, and YEAH, i own one of those. but it's how i feel! ...and besides, if you're reading this you probably don't suck that much ass. have you ever noticed how many people are in it all for themselves? i mean, for the most part people just deal with other people to get something. too many selfish fucks! i'll admit that i do it, but at least im conscious of it. RANT: i hate it when dumbasses rant about what's wrong with the world but they cannot -- for the life of them -- see their own motherfucking problems! i've known quite a few motherfuckers who get off on criticizing other people, but they sooo don't see what losers they are! my advice: look in the mirror, asshole, and when you're a little less of an asshole, then you MIGHT begin to tell me how to live my life!

and i soooo got to give some bitches a grammar/spelling lesson: adding an apostrophe and an 's' to a word does not make the word plural (more than one); it makes the word possessive (owns something else)! for example, if you're talking about more than one dumbass, it's dumbasses. ...maybe that's a bad example because you have to add 'es' to form a plural. too confusing, i'm sure. okay.... ideas. your IDEAS are stupid. NOT your IDEA'S are stupid. ...the latter would make me ask, "your idea's what?" and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, learn the difference between your and you're! the apostrophe in the case of contractions (usually) signifies that there are some missing letters. k: in the case of, "you're a freak," the apostrophe stands for the missing 'a' in are. if you weren't using the contraction, you'd say "you are," right? =) just think about it. i know you can do it, honey!

(much love to my bitches!)

sarah: i could never call you my bitch, so i'll have to say something unique for you. =) love you, babe!

renaldo was over earlier without the bitch hanging on. says she's going to head out to oregon with her mom soon as the summer's over. i'll believe that one when i fucking see it! motherfucker doesn't know what he could have had!

jule is so fucking naive. she believes anything i say!!!!

what a shot or two of tequila can do for a girl in a bad mood!

i am so fucking pissed right now! i don't have shit to do at work and here i sit, fucking playing on the internet. i asked for a fucking vacation day tomorrow, and i just can't have it because we have two other motherfucking people off. BUT i can come in tomorrow and if it's slow (which it has been for the past fucking decade) i can leave early...that is after i've crossed the red fucking sea to get here. i hate reporting to dumb ass bullshitters who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground!

i suddenly feel better. =)

from "caught a lite sneeze" by Tori

boys on my left side
boys on my right side
boys in the middle
and you're not here....

i'd like to send one shout out to my girl, kristin. it's been too long, babe!

me too, grrl. me too!

"the fragile" by NIN

she shines
in a world full of ugliness
she matters
when everything is meaningless

fragile
she doesn't see her beauty
she tries to get away
sometimes
it's just that nothing seems worth saving
i can't watch her slip away

i won't let you fall apart

she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
hoping someone can see
if i could fix it myself i'd--
but it's too late for me

i won't let you fall apart

we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
i'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking...

it's something i have to do
i was there, too
before everything else

i was like you

my priceless advice for the day: don't use bath and body works anti-bacterial hand gel as lube. bitch burns!!!

...The thoughts we try to deny take a toll upon our lives.
We struggle on in depths of pride, tangled up in single minds.
-"It Could Be Sweet" by Portishead

Earlier I tried to write an email to my dear, dear friend, Sarah, and I couldn't focus. I feel like I have some funky energy stored inside my head, and it's dying to get out. But I don't want it to die. I want it to get out and make a life for itself. It's good energy, but I don't trust the world enough to let it out. And my mind keeps going back to everything I've ever seen myself doing, and nothing I've ever done. I can only imagine happiness, and I can never involve myself in that lifestyle.

Someone I respect has told me that in order to be "healthy," one must experience life equally in three ways: intellectually, spiritually, and physically. I've been trying that theory out, and I've found it to be true so far. Girl's problem is that she's used to running everything through her mind, and her mind puts her in a state where she's not motivated to do a damned thing! So I'm thinking that I'll do some queer routine like taking a daily walk or run or some shit. We'll see if I can get out of this mess I'm in.

I want to do something playful. That can be physical, right? I'm thinking that since the weather's nice and stuff, it might be a good time to go play out in the woods and talk and make out and just be with some neat man. Email me, neat man! =)

Recently I was getting to know a guy I thought was neat. But turned out he was scared of what I was attracted to. Anyway, things got to the point where it was a waste of energy because nothing could come from his fear.

Life is a farce! Refuse to surrender.

i've been sensing all day that my spiral's heading down. where's the man who likes only some of the things i like? where's the man who's supposed to be walking beside me (under the stars) tonight? nothing's making me happy right now, and that's making me want to implode or explode or FUCKING SOMETHING!!!

guess i've just got to stop giving head to all the "straight" men of columbus? could be my problem!!!

some girls have to take their own advice. girl's got to learn to do that...and be happy and stuff!

Because I'm feeling sappy as hell tonight, I've got to sing to you.

"Had a Northern Lad
Well, not exactly had
He moved like the sunset
God, who painted that?
First he loved my accent
How his knees could bend!
I thought we'd be okay...me and my molasses

If you could see me now...."
Northern Lad by TORI

Okay. That's for, well, my Northern Lad. I miss him! And I hope he's doing well. And I hope our paths cross again!

So I have to tell you all a funny story. Tell me if you think it's as funny as I think it's funny, okay? Marcy and I took a vacation day today. It's been forever since she and I have had the chance to just spend time together even though we work together. Saw nothing but rain, so we ended up staying in. As the evening wore on, we were getting pretty frigging toasty, and while we were fixing dinner, the doorbell rings. What does Marcy do? She answers the phone! That's not even the funniest part. ...She gives a pretty good cussing out to the person (who she thought was) on the other side of the phone cuz he/she hung up on her! I have totally LMAO tonight because of this. =) Funny, huh?

What else? I've been getting lots of feedback lately that I'm quite the complex girl. This makes me happy!

Once again, I miss you and I wish you were with me.

I read the most awesome horoscope yesterday. Yeah, it was for me! Just me. I was the Gemini of the day! Here 'tis:

"Ideal opportunities that could increase your income exist at a distance. You'll be able to accomplish whatever goals you set for yourself. Your new projects appear to have unlimited financial potential. Go for broke, and allow yourself to be challenged to the utmost."

The deal is that I'm thisclose to quitting my job and heading out to Hollywood. I'm going to make it big. If you kiss my ass now, I'll thank you during one of my Oscar acceptance speeches!

I would like to take this opportunity to pay homage to my ass, which has allowed me (and countless other men) so much pleasure!

He told me he loves me. (I do want more.)

"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying amen to what the world tells you to prefer, is to have your soul kept alive." Robert Louis Stevenson

Because someone told me that I had to put her poem on my page, here goes:

Warm winds blowing emotions around
Scattered feelings skipping along the ground
Wonderment and awe inspiring views
That I would only want to share with you
Naked in front of you with nothing to hide
Searching for a flicker of recognition in your eyes
Tell me who I am and what I need
I am so lost, can't you see?
Take my soul and lead me
Maybe I'll find out who I am and who I want to be.

i've had a beautiful day today. jule and i went to athens, and i so did not want to leave! we saw lots of hott, young men, and we even had a large group of shirtless, young hunks jogging toward us as we were driving down the street. it was a good thing! i think i'm sure now that school's going to be the most important thing to me for awhile. no more of this meaningless job-shit! sometimes a girl's just got to take some chances and do what feels good. let's see how long it takes me to move on. =)

hugs and kithes!

waiting

you know that question that we ask everyone: do you know yourself? my answer's hell yeah, i know myself. but i'm learning that i don't show me to very many people. i'm sick of it! maybe like two people who will read this have ever seen the real me. i think it came from being confused about my girliness when i was a little girl with a pecker. that's tough and stuff, but if a girl can't be happy with herself, then who the hell's ever going to be happy with her? i don't know.... i'm definitely not your typical fag, but i'm not your typical human being either. but that's what i want to be before i'm anything--a human being! i want to show you my talents. this brave, beautiful girl once asked me how alive am i? how much of me is living day to day? my answer is probably less than 25%! there's like something totally fucking wrong there! but it's been a way to get through the days. i'm so used to being with just me, but the hunger's so much there for me to get the fuck out. i just need to take a trip outside my head. i have so many goals and wants and desires. and i kill any possible relationships before anyone gets too close. there's the asshole me and the better than water me and the quiet me and the obnoxious me. you think that if i were to name these "me's" that someone might do a movie of the week about me? yeah, i've been smoking crack. what're you going to do about it, bitch?

i told you from the start just how this would end: when i get what i want, i never want it again!

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

today's been an okay day. i took a vacation day, so i went to lowes to look around. it's really exciting that all the gardening stuff is out. i bought a terrarium that has a cobra lily, a venus flytrap, and a sundew. and i saw an old lady buying flowers, which incited some thoughts about my grandma and her life. i think i might bring it out by writing later. i like finding inspiration where you might think there's none.

"...i know what i need, and that is enough. more would be greed. i've seen what i was and i know what i'll be. i've seen it all. there is no more to see." that's from bjork's "i've seen it all." bjork is my current obsession, btw.

what else? josh duhamel is still one of the sexiest men i have ever seen! fred durst is hott as hell! ...and i have a thing for freaky monkey-boy wes borland. i, like, sooo need some stimulation!

see yas.

one of the best feelings in life is to step outside on a cool, clear night and look up at the moon and the stars and remember that there are billions of options out there. we're not stuck with what we're doing. i realized that tonight when i got home and stepped out of my car. the past few days have been really rough ones. i've been hating my job and i've been hating my living situation, and i've been feeling like no option is a good option. but i can do damn near anything!

girls like you--they're a dime a dozen!!! you can buy 'em anywhere!!!

i want to show you what a spring night feels like, holding my hand. we're going to learn about each other under the stars. first, our thoughts and our ideas, our likes, and our dislikes. from there, we're going to find out what each other tastes like, both physically and spiritually. by summer's end we'll know what each other feels like from the inside. the winter will find us lying comfortably, side by side, under the covers our love.

how can i forget you, disregard what i feel, silently listen to the words i can see?

Last night I wrote a shitload, and when I tried to upload what I’d written, it all got lost. And it bit! So now I’m writing in Microsoft Word and I’m going to copy and paste. Like anyone gives a shit.

I was talking about truth and I was trying to understand truth and what’s real. Anything can be true, but everything isn’t true to everyone. I’m not talking just about things that can’t be explained by science. I’m talking about everything. And what’s real? Just things you can feel? Sometimes it’s a lot easier to bounce shit off hearing ears, so I’ll try to take this conversation to one of my peeps.

The other night when we were really drunk, Jule and I were being kids and we were casting the remake of Gone With The Wind. I get to be Scarlett because I called first. And since I’m Scarlett, Carson Daly’s going to be Rhett! Jule decided that since I’m Scarlett, she can be Belle. The lovely Sara is going to be India Wilkes. Umm… Now we just need to find a Melanie and Ashley. I want Fred Durst to be either Charles or Frank, just cuz I want to do Fred. Wes Borland can be the green dress I wear to the barbecue at Twelve Oaks cuz he’s fucking hott!!! (My God that man’s hott! …Even though someone says he looks like a “little monkey!”) Like, let me know if you want to play a part, or some junk!

Okay…I’m bored.

btw, you're fabulous...no matter what some dumb shit tries to sell you!

what are hangovers for? is it nature's way of telling us not to do it. drink, that is. we do some stupid shit when we're drunk. at least my friends and i do stupid shit when we're drunk. so do people who aren't my friends. i see a pattern. people do do stupid shit when they're drunk. and dangerous shit! did i use that one yet?

i finally got my question mark! no need to worry no more.

okay.... i so don't want to drink for awhile.

dear god in heaven, i love thee!!!!! and i'm about to be completely wacked or some shit.

someone likes to drink way too much. she lives to drink. she's always like, you, bring me tequila. she thinks of tequila in her sleep. i even have a picture of her making madd love to a bottle o' tequila. if this sounds like you: get help.

i really am a freak.

too bad you don't stick yourself out more often. never know what you're going to get. }=)

give me peace, love, and a hard cock! ...the hard thing will do for tonite though! =) wu hu!

a blessing has occurred in my life. i've been hearing a neat song on the radio, but i've been unable to find out the performer's name. today while flipping through channels, i heard the song on mtv, so i stopped and watched. (not bad.) when the video was over, i saw that i had an album by that very artist. ...so i checked my cd, and hot damn! that very psong's on my cd. so umm.... the song's "drive" by incubus. i am fucking fascinating, aren't i? =Þ

i believe in peace, bitch.

i hate this weather. (and i miss you.)

oh! Jule, my favorite poem by you: =)

this one's neat too: =)

good luck! i love you.

what's the worst thing that could happen to you? you die a painful death or you live a painful life? we're so fucking concerned with living the life that everyone wants us to live that we totally forget about who we are and what we stand for. how often do you think about what makes you happy? i don't know if anything makes me happy anymore. what's the point? the same things that are making me scared to live are making me scared to die.

Blah, pep. Blah, gruff. Blah, fake.
Neighbors share our space
No stimulation. Violation.
Explanations galore.
We come together to work together.
Now there's this question of ownership.
Don't come near me while I'm living.
Wait 'til I'm dead; it's yours.
We're not different.
We're all the same -- forever.

My deepest desire: a boy to lie beside me, looking up at the stars with me, hearing my secrets. someone to play with, to feel safe with.

I fake it so real, I am beyond fake.

i received some decent advice last week: take care of yourself. i've given that advice many times before, but i guess i've never heard it. it makes sense. if you feel like shit yourself, how the hell are you going to be good to anyone else? i'm also trying to remember to ask myself how i'm feeling throughout the day. i've never really thought about it before, you know? sometimes i just turn myself off when i'm feeling unfomfortable or discouraged or pissed off. it's kind of cool to get out of my head for awhile. it can be a scary fucking place!

playing hookie.

orange is coo!

how're you so burned when you're barely on fire? HOLE

...and to all my girls: when're you going to love you as much as i do? TORI

jule is my friend. she is neat. she helps me lots. i probably would not drink as much if i did not know her. i am really glad that i know her. she writes neat poems. jule: testicle.

i have sooo been resisting doing this because i didn't want to, like, be a poser and junk. but someone neat made me see that it's sometimes okay to be like your friends and stuff. ...posting this shit is really cathartic and stuff, so i had to come back to it! enough with the rationalization-shit, cuz i don't need it.