today's been an okay day. i took a vacation day, so i went to lowes to look around. it's really exciting that all the gardening stuff is out. i bought a terrarium that has a cobra lily, a venus flytrap, and a sundew. and i saw an old lady buying flowers, which incited some thoughts about my grandma and her life. i think i might bring it out by writing later. i like finding inspiration where you might think there's none.

"...i know what i need, and that is enough. more would be greed. i've seen what i was and i know what i'll be. i've seen it all. there is no more to see." that's from bjork's "i've seen it all." bjork is my current obsession, btw.

what else? josh duhamel is still one of the sexiest men i have ever seen! fred durst is hott as hell! ...and i have a thing for freaky monkey-boy wes borland. i, like, sooo need some stimulation!

see yas.

one of the best feelings in life is to step outside on a cool, clear night and look up at the moon and the stars and remember that there are billions of options out there. we're not stuck with what we're doing. i realized that tonight when i got home and stepped out of my car. the past few days have been really rough ones. i've been hating my job and i've been hating my living situation, and i've been feeling like no option is a good option. but i can do damn near anything!

girls like you--they're a dime a dozen!!! you can buy 'em anywhere!!!

i want to show you what a spring night feels like, holding my hand. we're going to learn about each other under the stars. first, our thoughts and our ideas, our likes, and our dislikes. from there, we're going to find out what each other tastes like, both physically and spiritually. by summer's end we'll know what each other feels like from the inside. the winter will find us lying comfortably, side by side, under the covers our love.

how can i forget you, disregard what i feel, silently listen to the words i can see?

Last night I wrote a shitload, and when I tried to upload what I’d written, it all got lost. And it bit! So now I’m writing in Microsoft Word and I’m going to copy and paste. Like anyone gives a shit.

I was talking about truth and I was trying to understand truth and what’s real. Anything can be true, but everything isn’t true to everyone. I’m not talking just about things that can’t be explained by science. I’m talking about everything. And what’s real? Just things you can feel? Sometimes it’s a lot easier to bounce shit off hearing ears, so I’ll try to take this conversation to one of my peeps.

The other night when we were really drunk, Jule and I were being kids and we were casting the remake of Gone With The Wind. I get to be Scarlett because I called first. And since I’m Scarlett, Carson Daly’s going to be Rhett! Jule decided that since I’m Scarlett, she can be Belle. The lovely Sara is going to be India Wilkes. Umm… Now we just need to find a Melanie and Ashley. I want Fred Durst to be either Charles or Frank, just cuz I want to do Fred. Wes Borland can be the green dress I wear to the barbecue at Twelve Oaks cuz he’s fucking hott!!! (My God that man’s hott! …Even though someone says he looks like a “little monkey!”) Like, let me know if you want to play a part, or some junk!

Okay…I’m bored.

btw, you're fabulous...no matter what some dumb shit tries to sell you!

what are hangovers for? is it nature's way of telling us not to do it. drink, that is. we do some stupid shit when we're drunk. at least my friends and i do stupid shit when we're drunk. so do people who aren't my friends. i see a pattern. people do do stupid shit when they're drunk. and dangerous shit! did i use that one yet?

i finally got my question mark! no need to worry no more.

okay.... i so don't want to drink for awhile.

dear god in heaven, i love thee!!!!! and i'm about to be completely wacked or some shit.

someone likes to drink way too much. she lives to drink. she's always like, you, bring me tequila. she thinks of tequila in her sleep. i even have a picture of her making madd love to a bottle o' tequila. if this sounds like you: get help.

i really am a freak.

too bad you don't stick yourself out more often. never know what you're going to get. }=)

give me peace, love, and a hard cock! ...the hard thing will do for tonite though! =) wu hu!

a blessing has occurred in my life. i've been hearing a neat song on the radio, but i've been unable to find out the performer's name. today while flipping through channels, i heard the song on mtv, so i stopped and watched. (not bad.) when the video was over, i saw that i had an album by that very artist. ...so i checked my cd, and hot damn! that very psong's on my cd. so umm.... the song's "drive" by incubus. i am fucking fascinating, aren't i? =Þ

i believe in peace, bitch.

i hate this weather. (and i miss you.)

oh! Jule, my favorite poem by you: =)

this one's neat too: =)

good luck! i love you.

what's the worst thing that could happen to you? you die a painful death or you live a painful life? we're so fucking concerned with living the life that everyone wants us to live that we totally forget about who we are and what we stand for. how often do you think about what makes you happy? i don't know if anything makes me happy anymore. what's the point? the same things that are making me scared to live are making me scared to die.

Blah, pep. Blah, gruff. Blah, fake.
Neighbors share our space
No stimulation. Violation.
Explanations galore.
We come together to work together.
Now there's this question of ownership.
Don't come near me while I'm living.
Wait 'til I'm dead; it's yours.
We're not different.
We're all the same -- forever.

My deepest desire: a boy to lie beside me, looking up at the stars with me, hearing my secrets. someone to play with, to feel safe with.

I fake it so real, I am beyond fake.

i received some decent advice last week: take care of yourself. i've given that advice many times before, but i guess i've never heard it. it makes sense. if you feel like shit yourself, how the hell are you going to be good to anyone else? i'm also trying to remember to ask myself how i'm feeling throughout the day. i've never really thought about it before, you know? sometimes i just turn myself off when i'm feeling unfomfortable or discouraged or pissed off. it's kind of cool to get out of my head for awhile. it can be a scary fucking place!

playing hookie.

orange is coo!

how're you so burned when you're barely on fire? HOLE

...and to all my girls: when're you going to love you as much as i do? TORI

jule is my friend. she is neat. she helps me lots. i probably would not drink as much if i did not know her. i am really glad that i know her. she writes neat poems. jule: testicle.

i have sooo been resisting doing this because i didn't want to, like, be a poser and junk. but someone neat made me see that it's sometimes okay to be like your friends and stuff. ...posting this shit is really cathartic and stuff, so i had to come back to it! enough with the rationalization-shit, cuz i don't need it.