it's not possible to want two things that are complete opposites, right? how the fuck does one suck himself down into this shitty hole? my past is full of kills. this one ain't even ready to kill. not my stage, at least. why the fuck don't i just speak in tongues? i understand everything, but can't put it into words.

don't get me wrong; today was great. it was the best day i've spent in a long fucking time. it was purely me. i've had my fill. now i just have to get that other thing taken care of, and i'll be good to go.

i don't want to fucking do it alone anymore, but i can't do it any other way. that's the wanting opposites-thing i was talking about. i want to do it alone if i'm this way. it's a dangerous spot. why can't we just do what we want to do and be who we want to be? can we do that only if we're alone?

if you're so sure of who you are and you're so ready to defend it, you must do it without thinking, and you'll never know when you've changed. that's why you're such a fucking cunt!?!?!?

k. i've got to get myself out of this hole.

i forgive too easily.

nothing was doable back then; does my future wait with the same proclamation? this is one of the things i fear before it all!

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder
what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

i guess you heard he's gone to LA
he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding
and he tells me i pushed him away
that my heart's been hard to find

there must be something here
there must be something here

baker baker can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
and i wonder how mine could taste
maybe we could change his mind

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

time thought i'd made friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's okay

if you see him, say hi

"baker, baker" by who else?

i haven't done this in too long and i've fucked up the pattern. i'm not strong enough to do this now. today's a shitty day for no reason. i'm stupid. i'm ugly. i'm not good enough. i don't trust myself. days like this are too close together.

i know that i've technically missed a day, but it still seems like yesterday for me because i haven't gone to sleep yet.

sometimes i like feeling the "high" of depression. i mirror what other people are feeling. sometimes i'm not strong enough to be myself. after reading what kristin had to say about her depression, i started feeling a little depressed. i'm not sure where that comes from. and, kristin, i'm in no way saying you're bringing me down! is it liking the drama...the attention...the possibilities? i think a lot of creative work comes out of depression. i know for sure that it does for me and i've heard both sarah and jule say the same thing about what sparks their creativity. (i love you guys!!!!)

Today's thing may be kind of vague, but wtf?? Sometimes I bend too far with people I don't know that well. I've been getting to know someone pretty well over the past few months. I recently decided it wasn't worth it. Today, this person approached me and talked like nothing's wrong, and I went along with everything. I hope to change it tomorrow.

Three married men exist in my sexual past. Two were in the process of getting divorced from their wives.

i don't own my life because.... i don't know why! i'm scared to death that i'm going to be alone in the world one day soon. i'm scared to death of fucking it up and not doing what's right for me. there're so fucking many contradictions in here. i don't want to be so fucking alone but i don't know how to be a friend or a lover.

i am so fucking tired that i wonder if i'll wake up in the morning! this isn't living! i feel like a fucking zombie!

i'm going to make a promise to myself, and you're going to help me keep it. for as long as i can keep going, i'm going to reveal something about myself here on a daily basis. the things that i'm going to reveal are the things i keep closed up in my mind. they're the things i never say aloud because i don't want them to be true. i hope that by sharing these things, i'm able to tear down some walls and begin to devote my mind to situations and ideas and people that are going to help my life evolve into a good life. hold me to it (beginning tomorrow)!!! goal: someday being able to say that i honestly can't think of anything else to add.

someone told me that robert downey, jr is gay. is he?

hurt
by NIN

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

kristin, what the fuck are you talking about??

jule has a neat, new design on a neat, new page!!! i like it a lot!!!

i've wasted my weekend! i was up until 3 this morning playing the sims! earlier there was a guy in my parents' livingroom who looked like this guy who used to date keisha's ex-boyfriend. he kept looking at me funny! ...he's probably just seen me wanking in the woods or something??

danger's ahead. i' cannot let myself get sucked into the cycle. ...those thoughts are far too personal to put here right now. maybe when i'm left with nothing?

music's great! last night i was listening to some mp3's that i downloaded a long time ago. sonique's "It Feels So Good" came on and i could immediately taste tequila and smell cigarette smoke and see candles burning all around me. i was back at jule's old apartment with jule and her friends, sara and brian. we used to have so much fun there!!!

i HAVE to get off of my ass today!!!! Sign my guestbook!!!! See yas!!!

so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts? what's so amazing about really deep thoughts? boy, you best pray that i bleed real soon. how's that thought for you? -tori

Okay.... I'm at work and there's nothing to do. I'm simply waiting patiently 'til 9, and then I'm busting loose. I have to stop at Marcy's on my way home to pick up her dog, Sas. I'm going to dog sit while she's vacationing. Her maid and butler don't like Sas all that well, so we're afraid they'll hurt Sas while she's gone.

As I write this, it's not even a quarter 'til!

I'm boring!

It's great to feel this okay about the decision I've made to leave my job. I have no immediate plans to persue anything else, either. There's a job that I'm interested in and I've applied for it, but I'm seriously not going to bust my ass looking for work right now. I may just take some time off to enjoy the summer. I love summer, and I totally see myself moving in the future to somewhere where the weather stays more summer-like all year round. My writing skills suck ass these days. It's sad when my job's focus has been writing. What the hell can I do with my time off? Write! I've always wanted to be a writer. Of course, when I was younger, it was all about being famous and shit, but now I just really like the idea of bringing out the lives that exist within me. To be good at anything, one must practice, and anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm no good at self discipline. Maybe if I set a writing schedule for myself, I can kill two birds with one stone? (Guess I need to work on the cliche-thing, too!)

Has anyone who's reading my page ever tried the dominate/submissive thing? I want to see what that's all about. Umm, yeah.... Email me!

And keep signing my guestbook!

This page is ugly. Sign my guestbook!

Well, it's over now. Two weeks max! Yippee!

earlier i watched the Real World 10th anniversary special on MTV, and some of the past cast members were talking about how doing the show made them become more honest. this page is maybe moving me in that direction. that doesn't mean that i'm a liar or anything. i think it's just really easy for all of us to embellish and tell half-truths...and stuff! anyway, what i was getting at is that i always write what's on my mind when i write here. it took me awhile before i gave jule "permission" to link to my page. i just wasn't comfortable with the idea of acquaintances possibly reading such personal thoughts. but then i have to think about where that all comes from.... it comes from my growing up being afraid of showing the real me for fear of rejection. i think a lot of fags grow up feeling that way. it's amazing to take a step back and see how fucking many ways i've been affected just by being gay! it bothers me that people i know in the real world have access to the "real" me. it's not a good thing to be bothered by this!!! i want just to live my life! i want to do my own fucking thing! ...so i'm not going to censor anything.

can you say hypocritical little cocksucker??? i can. and you're one!!!!

i cannot fucking believe that the weekend's almost over. i can't take many more trips to nothing-to-do, nowhere-to-go land. i have a resume all ready to be sent in the morning. wish me luck!

good luck, kristin, with the new job. i know you'll do well! ...and i have something to clarify that you said on your page. i can see someone reading it differently than you wrote it. =) i had no idea that you and mister man were doing whatever it is that guys and girls do when you asked me about him. that's when i told you that he was getting back with her. ...i can just see some people reading my telling you that as my throwing more fuel on the fire. i looooove reading your page, btw! keep going with it!

i have a new obsession! everyone at work kept telling me about the sims and i kept hearing jule talking about it, so i went out and bought it! it's all i can think about anymore. it's all i've been doing! i would sooooo highly recommend it!

thanks for the picture, sarah! =)

i want to be creativer. =) i want to share my junk with you. =) i don't miss my northern lad anymore!

everytime i hear "over now" by alice in chains, i think about how good it's going to to be to walk away from the situation i'm about to walk away from! yeah, it's over now, but i can breathe somehow. when it's all worn out, i'd rather go without. you know it's been on my mind. could you stand right here, look me straight in the eye, and say that it's over now? we pay our debt sometime.